I wanted to write this post as a little reminder to the world and to all pregnant women that you don’t have to be ashamed to say that you’re not enjoying your pregnancy. It’s not ungrateful and you have all the rights to not be feeling that great. Whether it’s the extra weight bringing you down or the constant back ache or more serious things like your mental health, it’s okay to talk about it and let the people around you know exactly how you’re feeling. Upon actually sitting down and writing this post, I seem to have gone on a bit of a ramble and I’m not sure if I’ve made myself 100% clear and made any of this make sense, so my apologies for this.
Growing a human is hard, that’s a line you’ve read on my blog a thousand times by now. Maybe a thousand is an exaggeration, but I’ve said it a lot. Finding out that you’re pregnant, right from that moment where the little blue line is staring you in the face, can be scary, very scary. Thinking back on my blue line moment, that was probably the first feeling a felt. Fear. Was I ready to become a parent? Was Jack ready to become a parent? How am I going to get a watermelon sized baby out of my vagina? Throughout the next nine months of my pregnancy, I feared it all and I’m sure most other women do too. It’s the fear of the unknown. Even if you’ve had a baby already, your second pregnancy, birth and parenting experience could be totally different to your first time round.
I think what made my pregnancy so un-enjoyable was how it made me feel mentally and emotionally. I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted to become a mother. There, I said it. I had always “known” that when I “grew up” I wanted to find a man that made me really happy(check) and then start a family(check). But when I was faced with the reality of actually becoming a mother, I spent months pondering if I was actually cut out for it. Keeping up with the brutal honesty, I did contemplate a termination. That does not make me a bad person and if you’ve thought about it too, it doesn’t make you a bad person either. You are in control of your body and it is 100% your decision to decide if you wish to terminate your pregnancy or not. Of course, I did not go on to have a termination as you know I now have a six month old baby boy. I felt so guilty for even contemplating an abortion, because all the while all I could think of was that there were so many women out there who are unable to conceive and would do anything to be in my shoes, conceiving so quickly and easily.
For reasons unknown, during my pregnancy I fell deeper in to a depression that is still lingering on me today(more on this in Friday’s post). I did reach out to Jack and of course he told me that I should speak to my GP or midwife, so I did. I was asked a small series of questions at one of my midwife appointments but as I was moving in just a few weeks time, she shrugged me off and told me that I should continue to speak to Jack and to speak to my new healthcare professionals once I had moved. If this happens to you whilst you are pregnant, if you are pushed aside almost, then please seek to speak to another GP or midwife at your practice. Of course, at the time I thought that it was pretty normal what I had been told seeing as I was moving soon, but I look back on it now and feel that more should have been done to support me in the way that I was struggling, even if it was only available to me for a couple more weeks.
I did not help myself. Once we moved and I got assigned my new midwife, I did tell her how I had been feeling, just not to the full extent that it was effecting me. When I look back now, I wish I had done more to help myself from those low feelings and moods because if I had, I might be in a better mental state today. Again, please, if you are pregnant and you are reading this then please speak to your midwife and your GP so that they can help you through your pregnancy and hopefully deter you from developing post natal depression.
You are allowed to feel like shit. You do not have to feel amazing every single day of your pregnancy, after all your hormones are literally all over the place. But if you feel that you have reached a point where you are struggling in your day to day life then please do not be ashamed to tell someone about it.
I’ve been the girl sat on the bathroom floor at six months pregnant, curled up and crying out that I just “can’t do this any longer” and wishing that I could go back in time and change the way that things had played out, but you can’t. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through labour and delivery but I did. You will too. We are literally made for this. You’ve got this mumma.