In the past, I have always said that ideally, I would like two children, but I wouldn’t turn my nose up to three. Since actually having my first child I couldn’t have done a bigger 180 if I tried. If you had asked me if I wanted any more children just a month ago I’d have said no. Never. Not in a million years. I thought I’d write down how I’ve been feeling about the thought of another baby as I feel that there might be lots of other women who feel the same way that I do.
To put it simply, I had a pretty rough pregnancy and a really shitty birth experience. If you’ve read Tyler’s birth story, you’ll know that it was nothing short of a drama, something that you’d read off of an Eastenders script maybe? But not what I had in mind for the birth of my first child. The lovely Georgina recently shared a post about moving on from a traumatic birth experience which I highly recommend reading. I’m honestly not sure what was worse. The birth or the recovery. Just in case you haven’t read my birth story, you can do so right here.
I found recovery from an episiotomy and a further second degree tear pretty rough. I know plenty of women go through so much worse but honestly, I was in agony for more than eight weeks and I really feel for any woman that has to have their bits sewn back up because their giant baby tore them from front to back.. I’m not even exaggerating, I wish I was.
All of that in itself was enough to put me off even ever having sex again, let alone carrying and birthing another child. But of course, as time has gone on, the physically pain is almost a distant memory but the emotional trauma is still there and I’m not sure it’ll ever go away.
The other major thing that has put me off considering another baby was of course, my post natal depression. I know not every pregnancy, birth and post partum experience is the same for one woman, but the thought of re living the last year terrifies me. What if I were to have another induction? Another awful delivery? Suffer with pnd again? What if’s are the bane of my life, thanks anxiety, but they’re all feasible questions in my eyes.
Although I am still battling my depression, things are starting to look a lot clearer now, not just in terms of what I want in the future, but of what has happened in the past. I sound like Rafiki from the Lion King but bare with me. I love Tyler. I love him more than I ever knew I could love anyone and putting aside all the negatives, yes, I would love to have and love another baby the same way that I do Tyler.
But, if I decide that I am done with having babies, that’s fine right? It’s my body, my mind and my decision at the end of the day, but that does mean that Tyler would grow up without siblings and that honestly breaks my heart. I am one of three, Jack is also, and I obviously don’t know any different and the people that I have met in my life that are an only child are no different to myself, but I always wonder whether they ever yearned for sibling love? Just like I know no different, someone who is an only child also knows no different so really, it’s not damaging or negative I know. I would just really love for Tyler to grow up with a little brother or sister.
But I don’t want to go through all of that again.. do you see my problem? I know that birthing a child isn’t the only way to have a child and there are things like adoption, fostering and surrogacy, but those are some really big decisions that Jack and I would have to think about if I stay on the side of not wanting to go through everything all over again.
I probably sound like a brat right now don’t I? I carried and birthed a healthy baby and my body is fully capable of doing it all over again whilst there are other women out there who can only dream of doing so. For that, I am sorry.
To round up my ramble, yes, I would like another baby, but probably not for the reason that most women want another child. Jack and I have been doing a lot of talking recently around this whole subject and we have sort of come to an agreement on what we both want and how we want to go about it. Of course, this is all subject to change and is in an “ideal world” scenario, I know things don’t always pan out how you plan them to.
So maybe, in a couple of years, once I am free from my depression and my medication and we are financially stable, we might start trying for another baby. Then again, maybe we won’t, maybe I’ll go off the idea of two or three children again. Who knows, but what will happen will happen and you can bet that I’ll be sharing our story with you right here.
Do you want more children? Is there anything that is putting you off trying for another baby? I’d love to know how you feel on this!