MUM GUILT + POST NATAL DEPRESSION

Mum Guilt and Depression | Love, Maisie | www.lovemaisie.com

There are a handful of posts here on Love, Maisie that have taken me either a long time to write, or a long time to hit publish on and this post is one of them. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll probably remember that last year I shared my story with post natal depression(which you can read here if you missed it).

 

Since that post went live, I’ve managed to lower the does of my medication and maintain a decent and fairly consistent level of happiness, hurrah. But rather than a general overview on my mental health, today I wanted to talk about one specific aspect of my battle with depression.. and that’s the guilt.

 

You’ve no doubt come across the term mum guilt before, in fact if you’re a mum yourself then you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. We all feel guilt on different levels for various different things, but the worst mum guilt that I’ve experienced is directly connected to my post natal depression.

 

I am being 100% honest when I say that I struggle to remember the first 4-5 months of being a mum. I remember giving birth, very vividly, almost as if it were yesterday, but the first few months of Tyler’s life are now a blur. I started writing Tyler’s monthly updates when he was 3 months old and honestly if it wasn’t for those first couple of posts, I probably wouldn’t remember a thing. This is why I feel guilty.

Depression and mum guilt | Love, Maisie | www.lovemaisie.com

You’d think that PTSD or depression would have suppressed the memories of Tyler’s birth, but for some reason that is the most enhanced memory that I have. The precious moments of Tyler’s first months on this earth are the ones that have been suppressed. Stolen from me. Now, all that is left are a handful of blog posts and (thankfully) a fair amount of photographs. This is my mum guilt.

 

I feel so guilty that I don’t have many fond memories of my babies first few months. Everyone always says that the newborn months are the best, but sadly for me, they were the complete opposite. My depression was at it’s worst when Tyler was around 7 or 8 weeks old and looking back on it all, I know it’s quite silly to feel guilty about it now because, a) I can’t go back and change anything and b) I have come so far.

 

But still, I am riddled with guilt. There are a handful of emotions that I really struggle with and this gut wrenching mum guilt is honestly awful. As each day passes I do feel that I am more able to cope with this feeling, but I do wonder if it will ever go away.

 

When I started writing this post, I wasn’t quite sure what my point or message would be and honestly, I’m still not, but I do just want to say that if you are a parent and are feeling guilty because of mental health issues that you have had to battle alongside raising your child, you are not alone. Parenthood is hard enough without mental illness. Mental illness is hard enough without parenthood. You get my point.

Mum Guilt and depression | Love, Maisie | www.lovemaisie.com

When I started my blog back in 2013, I wrote a lot of personal entries and I’m hoping that if this post is received well, I’ll be writing a lot more personal posts this year. Do you ever get struck by mum guilt? How do you cope with it? I’d love to know!

 

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21 Comments

  1. February 19, 2018 / 12:03 pm

    Mum guilt seems to hit me over stupid things, like forgetting its non uniform day.. its okay to not feel okay… reaching out, even writing about it can help you so much.

    just remember people are here to help x

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 19, 2018 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you lovely x

  2. February 19, 2018 / 1:03 pm

    What an incredibly honest post! x

  3. February 19, 2018 / 1:39 pm

    As much as I hate the fact that you feel this way, I find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone with this feeling. Mum guilt is horrible and even more so when its directly related to PND because you feel like it’s all your fault (it’s not). You’re doing amazing Maisie! Zoe x

    http://www.mummyandlissblog.com

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 19, 2018 / 2:32 pm

      Ahhh Zoe I want to cry for you! I’m not sure what’s worse, the guilt or the depression :/ xxx

  4. February 19, 2018 / 6:32 pm

    I’m always having mum guilt, I barely remember the first few weeks of Reuben due to having stitches and being in pain, to getting a womb infection and the horrific pain of breastfeeding!! We’ve all been there but have the rest of their lives to spend with them and make beautiful memories xx

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 19, 2018 / 8:08 pm

      This is so true! Hopefully I’ll be able to let go of the guilt at some point! xx

  5. February 20, 2018 / 9:25 am

    Aw Maisie this is such an honest post and I have so much respect that you are brave enough to share your experience of it! What matters isn’t what you felt before but how you feel now and he’s a very lucky boy to have a Mum like you xxx

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 20, 2018 / 10:01 am

      Aww Robyn thank you so so much xxx

  6. February 20, 2018 / 1:18 pm

    Mum guilt is apparently really common and you’re so brave for sharing your feelings! I think you’re doing an amazing job!

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 20, 2018 / 2:50 pm

      Thank you lovely 🙂 x

  7. February 21, 2018 / 8:04 am

    This is such an honest post, thank you for sharing. I know that my sister experienced a little bit of post natal depression and it looked like it was so hard to deal with. I think your an amazing mum! 🙂 xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 21, 2018 / 8:07 pm

      Thank you so much Yasmina! Sorry to hear your sister struggled with some pnd! x

  8. February 21, 2018 / 11:00 am

    I totally understand where you’re coming from as I had bad PND after my first son, and I was terrified I’d get it again this time round. Fortunately I didn’t, but I did have to take my anti-depressants again because my anxiety became unbearable. Thank you for sharing your story and please don’t beat yourself up too much – we all have mum guilt, just know you’re a fab mum xx

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 21, 2018 / 8:08 pm

      Argh, it’s horrible isn’t it! Sorry to hear about your struggles with pnd and anxiety 🙁 Thank you! xx

  9. February 21, 2018 / 12:54 pm

    I am not a mom, so I can’t imagine what you went through or how you feel. But remember you have his whole life ahead to make more memories.

    Also, the fact that you seeked help, and are now present is all that matters!

    You are an amazing mom!

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 21, 2018 / 8:08 pm

      Oh thank you SO much lovely!! x

  10. February 21, 2018 / 1:21 pm

    Thank you for helping make post natal depression a normal thing to go through. You know how it feels to have it, and you writing this post will help mothers feel comfortable to seek help.

    Jade xx

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 21, 2018 / 8:09 pm

      That really is my aim with talking openly about mental health as a parent, so that hopefully one day, no one will have to suffer in silence! x

  11. February 23, 2018 / 8:05 am

    Mum guilt seems to hit me over stupid things, like telling her off, or saying no. I completely get it. But remember its okay to not feel okay. Reach out to the loved ones. I have found writing about my feeling super helpful.

    • Maisie
      Author
      February 25, 2018 / 11:20 am

      Thank you so much lovely! x

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